Can long distance relationships last? Dawn Cervo on The Fearless Love Forum

Listen to the full interview on The Fearless Me Podcast.

In this interview, I am speaking with Dawn Priestley-Cervo, author of “Going the Distance: Learning to Love Your Long-Distance Relationship.” Annie and I have our own experience with a long-distance relationship during the lockdowns and Dawn’s expertise would have been invaluable to us at that time. Dawn discusses her ten-year long-distance relationship with her now-husband, highlighting the challenges they faced, such as raising children and job commitments, and how they ultimately persevered.

Dawn shares her story, explaining that her long-distance relationship with her now-husband lasted ten years due to various circumstances, including raising children and job commitments. Despite the challenges and moments of doubt, Dawn and her husband persevered and are now married for five years, totaling 17 years together.

Dawn elaborates on how she came to write her book, motivated by her own struggles and the lack of resources available during her difficult times. The book, she explains, is structured as an autobiography interspersed with advice and practical steps on managing a long-distance relationship. Key topics covered in the book include trust, communication, self-care, financial transparency, and the process of closing the distance.

David and Dawn discuss the importance of trust and communication in any relationship but emphasize how these elements are even more critical in long-distance relationships. Dawn provides practical advice on building trust through consistent and respectful communication, sharing her personal experiences and strategies.

The conversation then shifts to intimacy, where Dawn talks about the challenges of maintaining intimacy in a long-distance relationship. She shares personal anecdotes about how she and her husband navigated this aspect of their relationship. Dawn stresses the importance of communication and understanding each other’s needs and boundaries.

Financial transparency is another significant topic discussed. Dawn advises couples to discuss their financial situations early in the relationship to avoid future conflicts. She shares how she and her husband managed their finances, including the costs of traveling to see each other and the expenses of maintaining two households.

Towards the end of the interview, Dawn highlights the emotional challenges and the importance of self-reflection and personal growth. She acknowledges that not all long-distance relationships will work out but encourages couples to take the risk if they believe the relationship is worth it.

David concludes by affirming the value of Dawn’s insights and expresses his gratitude for her participation. Dawn offers a special promotion for the viewers: a free copy of her ebook for those who take a quiz on her website, designed to help individuals assess their readiness to close the distance in their relationships.

Overall, the interview provides a comprehensive overview of the challenges and strategies for maintaining a long-distance relationship, emphasizing the importance of trust, communication, self-care, financial transparency, and personal growth.

Transcript from Can long distance relationships last? Dawn Cervo on The Fearless Love Forum

**David:**

> Well, hello, everyone. Welcome to the Fearless Love Forum. My name is David W. Stock, and we’re here to guide you along the path from being trapped in trauma to finding fearless love. And my guest today, well, I wish I had known her about three years ago when I met my wife, Annie, and she lived in Germany, and I had lived in Canada. And we started a long-distance relationship. Everything was locked down. There wasn’t a plane in the sky. There was no way that we could come together physically. And so we had this long-distance relationship for, it ended up being about 10 months. And my guest today is actually the expert that I wish I had in my back pocket back then. Dawn Priestley-Servo has written the book on long-distance relationships literally and she’s here with us today welcome Dawn.

**Dawn:**

> Hi David thank you so much I’m super super stoked to be here today and yeah it’s gonna be lots of fun talking with you about long-distance relationships.

**David:**

> Yeah for sure so I have little bit of a story, but I want to hear your story with long-distance relationships. Like, how did this whole thing come about? How did you come around to that you had to write a book about it?

**Dawn:**

> Well, I just remember struggling really hard some days because our long-distance relationship, because of certain circumstances, which I’m sure we’ll get into later, ended up being 10 years. And honestly, I think we still kind of do it because my husband travels for work still for months at a time. But we, you know, we struggled, we struggled a lot. And there were days when I said to myself, I don’t know if I can do this anymore. This is too hard. But then I always kind of just said to myself, you know, is it worth continuing? And the answer was always yes. And that’s a big part of why we are where we are today. 17 years down the road, married five years finally. And yeah.

**David:**

> Yeah. Why, tell me about the 10 years. How does that work even? Cause like it was 10 months for me and Dawn, but we, I mean-

**Dawn:**

> You and Anna.

**David:**

> Wow, we’re gonna cut that out. It was 10 months for me and Annie, but I’m just curious about how it ends up being 10 years.

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, it was a long haul for sure. So my husband and I both have children and so he has two boys. I had an older son who was in Australia already at 19 years old, but I still had two young girls at home. and so we were both raising children and unfortunately neither one of the other parents would allow the children to move. So here we were stuck in limbo, purgatory you could say, yeah struggling to see each other as much as we could and so as the years progressed and moved on, we literally just had two homes. So we went back and forth as much as we could. We met up in other places. We took vacations together wherever we could. And over the years, we just settled into this routine, and it just got longer and longer and longer. And honestly, there came a turning point. You know how they say, be careful what you wish because I remember saying to him at one point about five years in, I said to him, I am not doing this for 10 years. I am not doing this for 10 years. Like, we better get our shit together because we’re going to figure this out. And he’s like, okay, okay, but be careful what you wish for. Cause there we were 10 years. And then we had a kind of a miracle slash manifestation happen because I’m quite into that, manifestation stuff and I really started working on getting us together somehow and finally the opportunity arose. Unfortunately for my husband he got made redundant from his job and that was another reason we stayed apart so long as we both had really good paying jobs and they both had a really good pension plan and we were just toughen it out you know he was in his late or early 50s and you know that was another part of the reason and then when he got made redundant His kids were old enough, finally, they could stay on their own in the house down south in Vancouver, and he could finally move back to Whitehorse where he was born, believe it or not. So yeah, we have kind of a kismet thing going on there because a lot of synchronicities and serendipities in the process too.

**David:**

> Yeah, yeah. So tell me a little bit about the book. You have kind of an outline of how to make a long-distance relationship work. What does that look like?

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, so really, I mean, the book kind of came to me in what I call a divine download. Like if you’ve ever read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, she talks about how an idea comes to you and you better do something with it or it’s going to go to somebody else. And so I was like, oh my God, I have this idea for a book, I better do something. And so when I was really struggling, I just would go online, like, is there a book I can read? Is there something I can do? You know, and so I thought I should really do this for others that are struggling too, because in the middle of the night at 2 a.m. and you’re struggling and you’re crying or whatever and your partner’s halfway around the world or in another time zone, few hours away, you’re just really looking for something that can help you in that moment. And so the book is really structured as kind of a autobiography for our story, taking you through little snippets of what happened to us and how we got through it. And it’s broken down into, you know, quite a few chapters, mainly, you know, talking about the foundations of a good relationship, first of all, and especially in a long distance relationship, we know that trust and communication are really the two top topics that we need to focus on. So there’s a chapter on each of those. I talk in one chapter about self care because taking care of yourself during this process is super hard because I remember, I don’t know about you and Annie, but I figured it out. It took me years to figure out this pattern that I was doing where Bert would leave and I would clean my fridge out for the next three days. I would eat everything in sight, everything in the pantry, everything in the house. I’m like, what am I doing? but it was always the same pattern. And because of my childhood and having abandonment issues, I realized, oh, I’m the one that’s getting left behind. And that really triggered me and brought up that trauma again. So I had to learn to deal with that. And it was funny because when I left him and I came back to my house and I was coming back from a work trip or whatever, and I stayed at his place for a week or whatever, and then I came home and I had laundry to do and the dog was there and the girls were there and I had to get my house in order again and I was busy and it didn’t happen when I was the one leaving. So it was super interesting there. So self-care is really, really important. And then talking about needs is another chapter where it’s important to learn how to meet your own needs and not always be waiting for your partner to fill those needs. Don’t always be hanging by the phone, waiting for a text or an email or a video chat or whatever, because you gotta get on with your life. You can’t stop living because your partner is now in your life, it’s super important. And then just a couple other chapters, you know, we’re talking about money, finances are huge, especially if you’re thinking about closing the distance at some point, it’s important to be really transparent with where you’re at financially. You know, before you move in with someone, you don’t want to know that they’re $80,000 in debt and you’re going to have to be a part paying off that debt or something it’s really super important to talk about money. And then finally just talking about the transition to finally closing the distance and being together and what that involves because there’s a lot to unpack there too.

**David:**

> Yeah wow that’s really in depth So you have trust and communication and finances and intimacy and self-care and becoming aware of your triggers. All those things are really a big part of my story too, so I think it’s pretty universal. I mean it’s the same in a regular relationship too, some of those triggers and things we have to work through.

**Dawn:**

> Absolutely. And so the big two that you kind of started out with was trust and communication. So let’s talk about that a little bit because every relationship has this kind of issue that to some degree, maybe not to a large degree, but to some degree, trust is always an issue. It has to be, it’s part of the relationship. And so how do you specifically address that in a long distance relationship?

**Dawn:**

> Well, I think it’s similar to any relationship, but it can be extremely more difficult in the sense that you’re not there to see your partner all the time or know when they’re coming home or what they’ve been out doing. And so that trust is like tenfold. And in the book, I say that building trust is a, it’s not just a one-time thing where all of a sudden you wake up one day and you’re like, oh, I trust this person completely. You just can’t do that in a long distance relationship nor should you in a regular relationship. It’s these little tiny moments of

 building trust in every little situation that you come into. You know, one of the examples I give is, you know, for me, if I’m going to go out dancing with the girls, I’m going to make sure I call my partner first. I’m going to say, hey, I’m going out with the girls tonight. And hopefully he’s going to say, have a great time. I’ll be thinking of you, not get super jealous, you know, pay attention to the red flags as well. A little bit of jealousy is okay, because you know your partner cares about you, but not overbearingly. And then, you know, maybe I’ll send him a couple texts during the evening to say, hey, I’m thinking about you, we’re having a lot of fun, you know, whatever. And then when I get home, just another text to say, hey, home, I made it home safe. You know, it’s just that and courtesy that respect that you have for your partner no matter where you are in your relationship or what type of relationship it is.

**David:**

> Right because it’s not only your partner’s responsibility for how they feel like when you’re in a relationship it’s it’s your responsible partly for how your partner feels too so it’s like like that’s what a relationship is we have to meet each other’s needs, somehow. And so that’s, yeah, that’s, that’s really great.

**Dawn:**

> Yeah. Yeah. So communication and communication is so important there. Like I said, communication. I think just, you know, being in touch a lot, if you go for days without hearing from your partner, then that’s a red flag. Yeah, people get busy, but days is a lot. You know, Annie and I had some measure of time freedom, of course, but we used WhatsApp and we just talked on a voice call for up to six hours a day. And we just went around and did our daily things while everything was in lockdown, so nobody was going anywhere anyways. What else were you going to do? But that was such a super important piece, because we communicated at least as much as if we were physically together for sure. I was at work one day and I was telling someone, I said, oh yeah, my partner and I, we talk in the morning by video chat and then we talk at night, usually around dinner time and then before bed by video chat. But this was even, get this, this was the days of BlackBerry Messenger. We both had BlackBerrys and we were BBMing each other. So we’d send each other texts during the day and one of my coworkers said, oh my God, if my husband talked to me that much during the day, I don’t think I could handle it. But you know, when you’re in a long distance relationship, you’ll take whatever you can get.

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, yeah, it’s different. Yeah, but it’s funny the things that people say about the relationships that they’re in. Like it’s, you can, you know, you can kind of see that the flags are already there you know when they’re saying things like like uh like one of the common ones that I hear is like when the man works away and then you know he gets close to retirement or whatever and the woman is just like oh it’s so annoying that when we’re around all the time it’s like oh that’s yeah maybe you guys need to do a work there. I mean, you know, near the end of our long distance term, the big chunk of 10 years, I said to him, I said, I feel like we’re more married than like, we weren’t even married at this point. I said, I feel like we’re more married than some couples we know that are married because we have this huge amount of communication, trust and respect that still had to develop over those 10 years.

**David:**

> Yeah, and so it doesn’t matter that much if you’re in a physical together relationship or physically apart relationship, a long distance relationship. You have to have the unwavering commitment to the relationship and all of those things that go along. Like you have to have all of those pieces in either case.

**Dawn:**

> For sure.

**David:**

> Do you wanna touch on the subject of intimacy?

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, I mean, that’s a big one for people. Being in a relationship, you just wanna be touching them all the time, right? You wanna be intimate with this person constantly. It was a very much a learning experience for me because of my abandonment issues when I was young. Burt is actually my fourth husband, believe it or not. I’ve been married three times and it was my second husband. When I got divorced the third time, he said, when are you gonna quit repeating this pattern? And I was like, ooh, what are you talking about? And then I saw, I only started relationships with lust before. And with this one, I couldn’t, we couldn’t be together, we couldn’t do that. We had to talk, we had to talk and talk and talk until we were blue in the face. And so it was the intimacy became such a beautiful, sacred thing when it was able to happen. Now, my partner is not into the online sex thing. So we didn’t do any of that. If you wanna do that and you think that’s a good fit for your relationship, then go for it. But he just was quite shy in that area and that wasn’t happening for us. And so that was cool. But one thing I do say in the book is, you know, ladies, get yourself a good vibrator. And gents, do what you need to do in the shower or wherever every day. And, you know, also keep in mind, you know, the example I gave of going out dancing with the girls, I mean, you got to keep yourself in check. If you really love your partner, you’re going to be responsible before you go out. You’re going to give yourself a pep talk. You’re going to say, I’m not going to be grinding against anyone on the dance floor tonight, because that’s just going to get me into trouble because I’m so fricking horny, you know, that maybe it’s not a good idea for me to go out tonight. Even you’re going to have to really, really check in with yourself a lot when it comes to intimacy. And then there’ll be the times when you are together that, you know, we did a beautiful train trip to Seattle one time. And for some reason, things in the intimacy department didn’t go well. And we had this big fight. And then I had this couple’s massage booked right after that. And I was like, neither one of us was very happy. But it happens. You get so overwhelmed and frustrated and you have these ideals of what intimacy should be with your partner. And like any relationship, it doesn’t always work out that way. And that’s okay. You’re going to have to just find a way through it and communicate about what went wrong and why you were triggered or what happened. And just kind of figure it out as you go and be gentle with each other and be easy with each other and loving.

**David:**

> Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, it’s amazing how much it’s exactly like a together relationship in all of those aspects. Like the intimacy part is you have to get to know each other, you have to get, you have to communicate, you have to talk about what’s comfortable and what you want and what your needs are and all of those things really. And what are you good with and what are you not good with?

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, and part of getting to know each other that’s so important is talking about some of the really deep issues. So one of the things my partner and I did was we played a game called 20 Questions and I kind of made it up. And it’s just 20 random questions that we would both answer separately. And then on a call one night, we would come together and we would compare our answers. And these questions ranged from everything from what’s scariest movie you saw as a child, or how do you feel about divorce, or are you religious, or, you know, some of the really deep, how do you feel about debt, some of them were super deep, some of them were super fun and light. And so I tried to keep like a blend of these questions and every like once a week we’d do 20 questions with each other and it was super fun. And actually I’m developing a course right now based on the book and in the course I provide you with a whole bunch of these 20 questions worksheets that you can do with your partners. So it should be super fun.

**David:**

> Oh that’s great. And I think the last thing that you mentioned was finances. And once again, such a big topic for every couple is finances, but in a long distance relationship, I don’t know, is it like something that you kind of like, kind of like, don’t really think about it until until it’s time to come together? Or like, what do you think are the are the pitfalls that people should be aware of. If you’re thinking about getting into a long-distance relationship right now, should you even be thinking about finances right away?

**Dawn:**

> I think it comes into play anyway because you’re going to be spending an awful lot of money on travel or phone bills or thank God for WhatsApp and Zoom and whatever now. But in those days, we didn’t have that. We had to pay long-distance bills too. But yeah, you’re going to be spending a lot of money on traveling. You’re going to want go on vacations together probably at some point, you’re gonna have to talk about who’s paying for what. Who’s gonna pay for the trip? Like if I come see you, am I responsible for paying for the trip? If you come see me, vice versa. Are we splitting at 

50-50 every single time? I think that’s really important to talk about. And then any expenses you may incur, you know, if you do meet up for a vacation somewhere, of course you’re gonna talk about who pays for what on the vacation. Um, and then I think just like I said before, coming clean on your financial situation as you, you may not want to talk about it right from the start, but I think it’s important to talk about it not too far in because this could turn out to be a red flag. Like I said, if someone’s got a ton of debt, you don’t want to be getting involved with that. Maybe, maybe you’re okay with it. Maybe you’re financially secure and you don’t have a problem with it. but I think it’s really important for each person to put their cards on the table fairly early on when it comes to finances. I mean, my husband and I, we each owned our own home at that point. So that was pretty cool. We had two houses, we were okay with that, but we were also raising children, which was super expensive. And we got really lucky that a year into our relationship, I ended up in a new job that allowed me to travel through Vancouver all the time. and so I could stay there on the way there and on the way back from my business trips. So we got super lucky, and he also worked in some of the most beautiful places in the country at some of the most beautiful hotels. And so he’d like, come down, I’m doing a conference here, come stay with me. And so we got super, super lucky. We also went to Germany a few times in Switzerland to see his family. And so, as you know, that can get quite expensive. And so yeah, it’s really, really important to just talk about finances fairly, I mean, right from the start, when it comes to seeing each other, and then as you get, you know, four or five, six months in, really, really just showing your cards and being clear as to who’s got what going on.

**David:**

> Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. When Annie and I first met, I think we were about three days into our relationship. And so I have, I have, I was paying child support three different directions. So I had some debt. And so it was about three days into our relationship and I said I got to tell you something I am not like what you would call financially secure what she’s like what do you mean by that and I said well I have about 20 million in debt and she’s like oh okay well it is what it is and then it took about maybe two days and then she you know we talk continue to talk through that and then a couple days later she was like, I just want to go back to that, that thing we were talking about the other day. Did you say 20 million? And I was like, yeah. She’s like, oh my God, how did you do that? And I was like, well, so just so you know, that was kind of like a little bit of a test. I call it the $20 million test. Because I have some trauma in my past from, you know, from all of the court things and all of that, that went on through that. And he was paying child support too, yeah I get it. So I did have some debt, not quite 20 million, but it kind of was a joke when I said it and then I kind of didn’t correct myself and it took her like two days to come around to ask me about it again. But really honestly, she was good. If it was 20 million, she was good with it. just wanted, she was just curious, like, how did that happen? Like, how does an, how does an ordinary person find a way to get 20 million in the first place?

**Dawn:**

> No kidding, no kidding. That was, yeah, we all have our deep dark secrets in our closet, don’t we? And that’s where the 20 questions comes in too, is you end up talking about these deep dark things and your triggers and your traumas and things that have shaped you and why you do things and why you react certain ways. So it’s important.

**David:**

> Yeah, for sure. Okay, so I just want to wrap it up a little bit, I guess. And and just kind of like, what do you think is the most valuable piece? Or what’s the most valuable message that you can leave with us today?

**Dawn:**

> Yeah, I mean, I think in the end, when you when you try to close the distance, it’s important to take everything you’ve learned and keep doing that even after you’ve closed the distance and move forward. And sometimes also during this process, which is something I talk about in the book, you know, there’s exercises in the book and everything you can do to work through, you know, trust, communication, all that all these areas. But you may get to the end of this and realize this person isn’t a good fit for you. And then you kind of have to, you know, extract, extract yourself in the relationship. And that can be really hard in the grieving process can start. But you know, I always say it’s more important to learn what you what you don’t want in a relationship than what you do want sometimes. I mean, there’s a fine balance there. But I think it’s really, really important that we know that these things don’t always work out, it may not work out as much as you have high hopes for it. That’s a risk you’re willing to take. And, and I think at some point to in our relationship, I don’t know about you, but I know with my partner, I call them like every few months, I’d have this little freak out. When I realized that I was going like, I always, I always would be like a Lego clicking into place like kachunk. And like, oh shit, I just fell in love a whole bunch more this this past few weeks. And am I really going to do this to myself again and risk the fact that I might lose this love? And you have to get to the point in your heart where you say, I’m willing to risk it because this is really good. And I’m willing to take that risk that it might not work out. But if it works out, man, that’s awesome. And a lot of long distance relationships do work out. Don’t be afraid. Don’t be afraid. Just enter into it. As long as you follow these steps and talk about these things, you’re doing the right thing and you’re doing great.

**David:**

> Yeah, one of the biggest things that I learned from our whole process is that the certainty really comes from within. Like you can go into the most uncertain of circumstances, really being fearless is just about having certainty and it comes from here. This is where it comes from. And being able to draw that out at the times when it is needed can be super valuable for relationship not only for yourself but for your partner too because your partner needs certainty too so that’s a that’s the the biggest the biggest piece of it is once you commit you commit and and and that’s all there is to it.

**Dawn:**

> Yeah for sure for sure.

**David:**

> Great. Yeah so how can we find the book, let’s talk about the book first.

**Dawn:**

> Sure, sure. So my website is goingthedistanceldr.com and on there, you can purchase the book, but I have a special surprise for your viewers today. I’m gonna, hopefully we can put a special link on this page when the broadcast happens. And I’m going to send everyone who goes over does the quiz, are you ready to close the distance? It’s a nice little quiz I’ve created for you to go through and figure out if you’ve talked about all these issues we’ve discussed today, and if you’re ready to close the distance, go over and do the quiz. Once you’ve done the quiz, you’ll get your results on the next screen and in your email, and I’m going to send everyone who does the quiz a free copy of my ebook.

**David:**

> Wow that’s spectacular and that’s that’s just for a special thing just for the Fearless Love Forum viewers so we’re going to put the link right just below this video here to that quiz. It’s an amazing quiz I took it myself so and I passed by the way.

**Dawn:**

> Hey, that’s awesome.

**David:**

> Perfect. Well, thanks so much for being with us here today, Dawn. It’s been extremely valuable. I know everyone’s gonna get a lot out of this and I really look forward to seeing more of you and potentially doing some future collaborations.

**Dawn:**

> Sounds absolutely wonderful. I’m super super blessed that you’ve asked me to be part of the Fearless Love Forum and I can’t wait to get on there and see all of the other speakers and participate in the sessions. It’s going to be great, I think.

**David:**

> Yeah, yeah, for sure.